Valerie Bertinelli Admits She Feels ‘A Lot of Shame’ for How She Allowed Herself to Be Treated in Past Relationships

Valerie Bertinelli opened up about the tough lessons she’s learned from her past relationships. During a recent chat on the Navigating Narcissism podcast with Dr. Ramani, the 65 year old actress and chef shared some deeply personal reflections that really hit home.

She explained how the hurt from her more recent relationships went deeper than anything she experienced in her first marriage.

“I can look back at my very first marriage and understand the painful parts of it but none of that pain compared to what I went through in the last two times I tried love” she said. Valerie added that she carries a lot of shame for allowing herself to be treated the way she was. “A lot of shame” she repeated for emphasis.

She was married to the late Eddie Van Halen from 1981 to 2007 and then to financial planner Tom Vitale from 2011 until their split in 2022. More recently she dated writer Mike Goodnough for about 10 months before they called it quits in late 2024.

Dr. Ramani gently pushed back asking if she really allowed it since she might not have seen what was happening at the time. Valerie responded thoughtfully saying she knows she is emotionally intelligent and has stood up for herself in moments like telling someone not to speak to her a certain way. But she admitted she still let things continue anyway.

“At a certain point it has to be my responsibility to say I’ve had enough. I’m walking away now” she shared.

The host pointed out that setting that boundary often leads to stronger pushback in unhealthy dynamics including gaslighting manipulation feeling like you’re going crazy or things escalating. Valerie agreed and noted that she finally reached the place where she chose not to engage anymore.

She had already touched on her breakup with Mike in a PEOPLE cover story earlier this year. Valerie said those big loud mistakes gave her a chance to learn some profound life changing lessons and for that she’s grateful.

“Oh god did I learn a lot” she reflected. She also mentioned that if she starts dating again she won’t be sharing details right away. She wants to see how things go first before talking about it.

Valerie hasn’t ruled out finding love again though. “There’s so many great men out there” she said. “I love men but I don’t want them to make me crazy and I don’t want to make them crazy either.”

It sounds like she’s in a thoughtful phase of healing and figuring out what she truly needs moving forward.